Dear World: I Bought This House and Then Had a Stroke

Are we buying a house or having an aneurysm??? Maybe the American Dream needs to include way more vodka.

I’m Ash, and I’m a writer, traveler, nonconformist & nomad, and every week I’m sharing funny field notes from around the world. Currently, I’m in America writing about what it’s been like to return home to my small town, twenty years after living abroad.

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Do you know how expensive pooping is?

I know, very academic. But, hear me out: I just got my first sewer bill for my new country house, and do you know what they’re charging me?

$500 a quarter.

That’s $2,000 a year.

WHAT IN THE VODKA?????

That doesn’t even include water, because I have private well water here on this mighty land full of deer ticks and other fun-filled parasitic arachnids. YES, THAT IS RIGHT. I, Ash Ambirge, am now the proud owner of a 200-foot-long pipe that brings me water on demand. How fancy! Shall I pour you a glass of artesanal water from deep in the earth’s crust??? There’s definitely a severed head from the 1800s floating around down there somewhere, but lemme tell you: it’s some of the best water I’ve ever had.

But, still! That doesn’t make up for my $2,000 a year sewer bill. Did you know being an adult was that expensive? I mean, to be fair, they’re charging me for two houses because they’re counting my little cottage as a whole separate house, but good lord: who knew that going to the bathroom would cost the same as a Caribbean cruise??? Plane tickets to Ireland??? A SELF-PROPELLING JOHN DEER SNOW BLOWER???

I tell you what: I am learning so much.

Alas, that’s not all! There are at least 472 other thrilling hidden costs involved with home ownership.

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY NEW BILLS.

1. The Sweet, Sweet Sewer Bill
   We already know this one: voiding your bowels is the equivalent of purchasing a small Clydesdale.

2. Property Taxes & Homeowner’s Insurance
   These get rolled up into my monthly mortgage payments and—ready for it???—costs $600 a month, or $7,200 a year. That’s another huge expense renters don’t have. So, if you’re being all cute and dividing up the cost of the house and thinking your mortgage will be, like, manageable? Don’t forget this part. This is a real punch in the balls.

3. Mortgage Loan Fuckery
   THIS IS THE MOST SHOCKING THING YOU WILL READ ALL DAY.