Bought the Wrong Fn Watering Can

+ Important announcement! not about watering cans

Hello, I HAD AN IDEA TODAY.

And, it didn’t happen in the shower. Usually my best ideas happen in the shower and then I’m naked and wet and trying to grab my phone 4 feet away without suffering a concussion. 🤷‍♀️

In other words, I’m just like you.

So anyway, ideas!

Something that I think companies and brands and influencers can do better in the way they market is giving us some damn clear instructions. How much easier would life be if you got to a website - let’s say a paint website - and they walked you through exactly which product you should start with, based on your situation, instead of throwing you to the digital wolves?

Digital wolves so needs to be someone’s brand.

Like, just the other day I was trying to buy a watering can, and do you know how hard it is to choose a watering can? I mean, there's a plastic one with a long spout, a plastic one with a short spout, a metal one with a long spout, a metal one with a short spout. Personally I’m trying to decide between a 19th century French Baroque vase, and the one shaped like a duck.

And, do you know what happened?

I bought the wrong fucking can.

…Three times.

I know, what kind of an idiot can’t figure out a portable container with a funnel?

The first time, I got this real cute red metal one—something that says “wow, she’s really got her life together. She even has a nice watering can.” I was real excited about this watering can. Life was going to be jaz-zzay. I was picturing it cooly sitting about the garden, matching the front door like a PRO. Who matches their gardening can to their front door? THIS GIRL.

And then it arrived. I opened what looked to be a Skittles pack, and inside, was a miniature decorative watering can, practically the size of a Christmas ornament.

We need to make a law that every company on earth needs to snap a photo of their maintenance man’s hand up against their products for scale.

So alas! I went at it again, this time dedicating some real elbow grease to the situation. I would not be hosed again! (Omg, watering jokes!!!) And alas - the clouds parted and I found this website purporting to be the Swiss watering can of all the watering cans. No, but really: it’s made in Switzerland. And I thought: there you go, Ash! If it’s Swiss made, nothing can go wrong. Nothing.

And then it arrived, and it was the size of an ostrich.

Like, wayyyy big. Can I even pick this thing up? But, I will say this: the spout was promising. This was a fuck-you spout if I’ve ever seen one. Go ahead, Jonses, keep up with this!

But, there was another problem with the watering can: it was too red. Like, trying to outshine my front door red. You can’t show up my front door, it’s the star of the front of the house. So now I have this giant red hulk-sized watering can that I’m hiding on the porch because it’s just not the right red, folks. Just not the right red!

Then, there was the third problem: water was…dribbling down the spout? And onto my arm? And down my shirt? Everytime I’d take this thing out for the spin, I’d end up with more water on my tits than the plants got.

So I got on the internet again.

This time, I read an article by The Spruce. Ohhhh, your top 10 favorite watering cans, EHHHHHHH???? Tested in your lab, EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH?????????????? We’ll see about that!

I bought the first one, from a company called Bloem. Even though it was garbage can black. And even though it had a hideous Halloween-colored spout. I thought to myself: self, maybe sometimes in life you’ve got to sacrifice aesthetics for practicality. (Dumb.)

So I got the ugly one.

And the ugly one came.

And I put on my big hardware store boots.

And I marched outside.

And I had this stupid little grin on my face.

And I started half deliriously dumping water on top of these flowers I’ve got.

And, you know what happened?????????????????????????

I DROWNED THE PETALS.

The cap on the spout with all the little holes was NOT doing it’s hole-like job! No matter which way I turned the spout, out the water poured like an angry monsoon. One big, thick stream of well water.

No bueno for the flowers.

So, then I started thinking: how much money should a grown woman really spend on watering cans??? Surely there’s a limit, and surely I’ve reached mine. I can’t buy a fourth watering can.

So, I reverted back to the Swiss made cartoon-red one. Because, even though it dribbled, at least I could still get a quality spa shower for the flohhhwwwees. But, I’m still not happy. Certainly my dream watering can is out there, aren’t you?

I’m not going to lie: I’m a little scared. I’m worried that, even if my dream watering can did come along—which, for the record, would be a sophisticated olive green (I might paint the door?!)—I’m going to waste even more money on the wrong product. Which is a very long and convoluted way of telling you a hard and inconvenient truth:

Everyone’s worried about spending money on the wrong product.

Doesn’t matter if it’s a watering can or a pack of baseball cards. We’ve all got that nagging little voice in our heads, wondering if we’re making a mistake. Oh, the anxiety of making a mistake!

To my original point: brands, companies, retailers, influencers, digital product makers, freelancers, whatever—we’d all do better to make it stupidly obvious which product you need, based on what you want to do.

Make it stupid easy to buy from you.

A no-brainer.

A “this is exactly what I was looking for!”

And, the only way you can do that is if you start getting comfortable telling the world: this is the best product in the world for the people who _____________.

Like, please, solve my problems. Make it easy. I don’t want to have anxiety. I just want a damn good watering can.

And so!

I’m going to follow my own advice and make it stupid easy to decide whether or not you want to be a free or paid subscriber moving forward—because I’m changing it up a bit!

Let’s have fun!

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You can choose your own adventure below for the next season of TMF! ⬇️

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And gosh, I hope this decision is easier than buying the right watering can.

P.S. I said “watering can” so many times in this post, now I’m going to rank on Google for “watering can.”

P.P.S. My girlfriend visiting from Costa Rica is arriving any minute. Should I ask her about the donkey???